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Control

from Cloudbelt by Shit Narnia

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    12" translucent blue vinyl with booklet. Comes with bonus lyric zine featuring drawings by Steven Christie.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Cloudbelt via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Buy the Full Digital Album

lyrics

jerk all my desires numb
anaesthetise my sexuality
i’m sick of sex, unworthy of love
consuming and consumed by pornography
i want to be dead and sexless
beat my desires out of me
i shouldn’t be touched, i’m a ruin
and i should be treated accordingly

i cling on to all these visions
these awful possibilities
they replay in all my rhythms
imaginings, search histories
severed, gaping, gushing wounds
hacked away with blunt knives
chemically entombed or
cut with pincers, heated, cauterised

castration’s appeal endures
to excise lust, attain control
a sure and celibate severance
a complete revocation of this role
my desires are sad and mangled
and i don’t think they can be made whole
so their complete obliteration
seems to me the only worthy goal

because i’m fucked
and i’m weak
i’m corrupt and compromised i don’t deserve a chance to speak
but there’s nothing i can do about the things i did at seventeen
the trusts that i betrayed
these stains that just won’t come out clean
no amount of forgiveness
will ever wipe these crimes off me
i know i’m not a good man
and i’m not sure its something that i’ll ever be

i find it hard to inhabit that body
can’t sense the intent behind my actions
beside her in her bed
seeking some kind of callous satisfaction
her a messy comedown
from a shitty crumbling pill
and this piece of shit, a so-called friend
touching her against her will

it’s why i have this tattooed on me
control and accountability
we’re all raised without a chance to form
a healthy sexuality
but that’s no excuse for my actions
for they cannot be excused
not by my youth, not by my culture
i wasn’t drunk or dumb or confused

and i understand if knowing this
you’ve no forgiveness to extend
but know that i don’t ever want
to hurt anyone again
and i will hold the horror of this
in my heart til the end
i don’t ever want to
hurt anyone again

credits

from Cloudbelt, released May 2, 2022

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Shit Narnia Perth, Australia

emotional punks, Walyalup

debut album Cloudbelt out early 2022

photos by @emmadaisy.photo

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